Hello Mark,
Thanks. I actually liked it a lot and I still like it, because now I'm back in the flow of writing. Your course helped me get a better sense of the characters and structure the plot.
This is great. Well done.
I wouldn't necessarily include the points 1,2,3. As they aren't in the flow of the story, and you really want your reader to be transported into how you're telling the story, and allow these details to come through organically in that. Treat the reader as your audience, and how they may learn about particular things as the story unfolds.
You've done a great job of getting into Ronnie's psychology in the one pager, and his insecurities and fears. I think there's a beautiful progression of story.
The writing has a great pace to it, and the way Ronnie's memories and history come through in what he sees is handled very well, too. I think you describe the scene very well too, never over-describing, and creating vivid images.
I think when he's looking through the house, you can attach more emotion to some of what he sees. As it's all world-building but without the emotional connection we need. It's a great discovery of the passages, but do try to bring out more emotion in Ronnie, or reaction to what he sees, perhaps tying it to some memories, like how seeing the old man reminds him of things.
Dear Mark,
Thanks for the feedback and comments.
It's not entirely clear to me what you mean by including points 1,2,3. Do you mean the portrayal of the characters? This is actually not intended for the normal reader, but for a literary agent, for example. Should there perhaps be a short summary, a pitch so to speak? Maybe just a single sentence?
I think I understand what you mean about the emotions. My idea so far was to start slowly and gradually encourage him to actually feel his feelings. Because one consequence of such a traumatic experience is that you don't allow yourself to have any feelings, even nice ones, because it's too painful. In any case, I understood this in the course of my own work-up and was also able to discover it in other traumatized people. But maybe a story requires more emotion to draw the reader in!?
In any case, thank you for your very stimulating course.
Best regards
Hanni
Sorry! For 1,2,3, I think you don't need to include them. When pitching, your logline and story summary will tell us all we need to know.
With the emotions, I totally understand what you mean about the trauma, but then even show that, or give a hint that they're not sure what to think or feel, or have a coldness towards certain things. Whatever can illustrate a sense of trauma. Doesn't have to be a lot, but something that puts questions into the audience's mind. Feel free to ask more questions.
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displayname6423583
Docent PlusWell done. I will read it this weekend and give feedback. Hope you enjoyed the writing.
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displayname3062548
Hello Mark,
Thanks. I actually liked it a lot and I still like it, because now I'm back in the flow of writing. Your course helped me get a better sense of the characters and structure the plot.
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displayname6423583
Docent PlusThis is great. Well done.
I wouldn't necessarily include the points 1,2,3. As they aren't in the flow of the story, and you really want your reader to be transported into how you're telling the story, and allow these details to come through organically in that. Treat the reader as your audience, and how they may learn about particular things as the story unfolds.
You've done a great job of getting into Ronnie's psychology in the one pager, and his insecurities and fears. I think there's a beautiful progression of story.
The writing has a great pace to it, and the way Ronnie's memories and history come through in what he sees is handled very well, too. I think you describe the scene very well too, never over-describing, and creating vivid images.
I think when he's looking through the house, you can attach more emotion to some of what he sees. As it's all world-building but without the emotional connection we need. It's a great discovery of the passages, but do try to bring out more emotion in Ronnie, or reaction to what he sees, perhaps tying it to some memories, like how seeing the old man reminds him of things.
Really great work. Well done.
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displayname3062548
Dear Mark,
Thanks for the feedback and comments.
It's not entirely clear to me what you mean by including points 1,2,3. Do you mean the portrayal of the characters? This is actually not intended for the normal reader, but for a literary agent, for example. Should there perhaps be a short summary, a pitch so to speak? Maybe just a single sentence?
I think I understand what you mean about the emotions. My idea so far was to start slowly and gradually encourage him to actually feel his feelings. Because one consequence of such a traumatic experience is that you don't allow yourself to have any feelings, even nice ones, because it's too painful. In any case, I understood this in the course of my own work-up and was also able to discover it in other traumatized people. But maybe a story requires more emotion to draw the reader in!?
In any case, thank you for your very stimulating course.
Best regards
Hanni
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displayname6423583
Docent Plus@hanni_serway
Sorry! For 1,2,3, I think you don't need to include them. When pitching, your logline and story summary will tell us all we need to know.
With the emotions, I totally understand what you mean about the trauma, but then even show that, or give a hint that they're not sure what to think or feel, or have a coldness towards certain things. Whatever can illustrate a sense of trauma. Doesn't have to be a lot, but something that puts questions into the audience's mind. Feel free to ask more questions.
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