Hello Marcela.
From the outset, I must say that I liked finding the images of some notebook sheets and your handwriting.
The emotional level of your characters is very high and I applaud you for having managed to integrate information. It is not only an exchange of claims, but we also look at the previous life of these two characters.
In the things you can improve, I see two.
First, there is a certain indeterminacy in the descriptions that caused me a moment of doubt. For example, when he says "he put his hand on his chest" I as a reader had to decide on whose chest. I think using the names of the characters could help you in some cases.
Second, there is an issue in the format of the scripts. On more than one occasion you made two consecutive parliaments that belonged to the same character. That was also confusing. I think that the moment of most chaos is the end, because the story changes diametrically if the last speech is said by Pamela or if the mother says it. At first I thought it was the mother, but when I realized that you had this doubling constant, I thought maybe it was Pamela's.
This is fixed by removing the "Enter"; you had to have followed the dialogue by means of a script that closed the description. So:
"Yes it is," Pamela shouted offended, "Nana is my grandmother and her family is my family." You have it like this:
"Yes it is," Pamela yelled offended.
“Nana is my grandmother and her family is my family.
I hope these notes are useful to you.
I wish you the best of luck and thank you for your work.
@jimenaemeuve Jimena, thank you very much. I really appreciate it a lot. Of course you're right, ufff thank you very much, I'll correct it and get it out.
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Docent PlusHello Marcela.
From the outset, I must say that I liked finding the images of some notebook sheets and your handwriting.
The emotional level of your characters is very high and I applaud you for having managed to integrate information. It is not only an exchange of claims, but we also look at the previous life of these two characters.
In the things you can improve, I see two.
First, there is a certain indeterminacy in the descriptions that caused me a moment of doubt. For example, when he says "he put his hand on his chest" I as a reader had to decide on whose chest. I think using the names of the characters could help you in some cases.
Second, there is an issue in the format of the scripts. On more than one occasion you made two consecutive parliaments that belonged to the same character. That was also confusing. I think that the moment of most chaos is the end, because the story changes diametrically if the last speech is said by Pamela or if the mother says it. At first I thought it was the mother, but when I realized that you had this doubling constant, I thought maybe it was Pamela's.
This is fixed by removing the "Enter"; you had to have followed the dialogue by means of a script that closed the description. So:
"Yes it is," Pamela shouted offended, "Nana is my grandmother and her family is my family."
You have it like this:
"Yes it is," Pamela yelled offended.
“Nana is my grandmother and her family is my family.
I hope these notes are useful to you.
I wish you the best of luck and thank you for your work.
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@jimenaemeuve Jimena, thank you very much. I really appreciate it a lot. Of course you're right, ufff thank you very much, I'll correct it and get it out.
Thank you very much
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