This is my course project, I learned a lot and I share the story I wrote in English. On my website I will be uploading the Spanish version.
Thank you @rmbibby for this course, I really hope you can read my story and give me some feedback.
Wanda Reyes
@wandarmed Hi! I was on vacation and now I'm back but I've been running into problems with the platform. It won't let me post replies. I'm going to do a test message here and if it works then I'll have a few comments for your story this weekend. :)
@wandarmed What a lovely vignette! There are some really amazing things happening in this piece. One is that it's got great voice. We can really hear Priscilla -- they way she speaks to herself and through that we can feel her anger, frustration, and loneliness. She's very distinct!
The other things that is working well in the story is that it's about such an ordinary event. It's not an action packed thriller, rather a very thoughtful study about the day in a life of a person. That is something that is charming and often overlooked as fodder for stories.
You may want to consider playing a bit more with scene. Right now, the entirety of the story is in happening in her mind. Maybe widen the lens and use more visual description to support the tension of the moment. For example, does she need to stop to wait for a light before she can cross and the bags feel even more heavy and her annoyance ramps up because they're heavy but now they might break? Do the sounds of the city annoy her? Or, does being in crowd (are there crowds?) of strangers make her her feel even more alone? I pictured her stomping around with a cloud over her and fellow pedestrians getting out of her way--can we see them? That moment at the end when she considers that maybe a smile might actually help could be echoed if we see that the doorman who usually greets her decides to look away, as an example. In short: extend the tension of the scene and how she's feeling by showing us more of what is going on around her! It'll definitely deepen your story!
4 commenti
displayname2066880
This is my course project, I learned a lot and I share the story I wrote in English. On my website I will be uploading the Spanish version.
Thank you @rmbibby for this course, I really hope you can read my story and give me some feedback.
Wanda Reyes
Vedi originale
Nascondi originale
displayname7675833
Insegnante Plus@wandarmed Hi! I was on vacation and now I'm back but I've been running into problems with the platform. It won't let me post replies. I'm going to do a test message here and if it works then I'll have a few comments for your story this weekend. :)
Vedi originale
Nascondi originale
displayname7675833
Insegnante Plus@wandarmed What a lovely vignette! There are some really amazing things happening in this piece. One is that it's got great voice. We can really hear Priscilla -- they way she speaks to herself and through that we can feel her anger, frustration, and loneliness. She's very distinct!
The other things that is working well in the story is that it's about such an ordinary event. It's not an action packed thriller, rather a very thoughtful study about the day in a life of a person. That is something that is charming and often overlooked as fodder for stories.
You may want to consider playing a bit more with scene. Right now, the entirety of the story is in happening in her mind. Maybe widen the lens and use more visual description to support the tension of the moment. For example, does she need to stop to wait for a light before she can cross and the bags feel even more heavy and her annoyance ramps up because they're heavy but now they might break? Do the sounds of the city annoy her? Or, does being in crowd (are there crowds?) of strangers make her her feel even more alone? I pictured her stomping around with a cloud over her and fellow pedestrians getting out of her way--can we see them? That moment at the end when she considers that maybe a smile might actually help could be echoed if we see that the doorman who usually greets her decides to look away, as an example. In short: extend the tension of the scene and how she's feeling by showing us more of what is going on around her! It'll definitely deepen your story!
Vedi originale
Nascondi originale
displayname2066880
@rmbibby Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and for giving me such useful feedback.
Vedi originale
Nascondi originale
Accedi o iscriviti gratuitamente per commentare