Hello Gabriela. Thank you very much for entering the course and congratulations on completing it. I hope that what we saw has served you and continues to serve you.
I just read "The Same Day" and I'm going to leave you some comments. As I always say in these cases, even if some of the comments are not positive or do not focus on what interests you most in your own text, please do not take them the wrong way. Consider that they are made with the intention of helping you continue to improve your work, and that in any case they are optional. You decide what you find useful, and what not, how much is recommended to you.
I found the names you chose for your characters interesting. Due to the impression that they leave as strange, they also allow us to think that the story, despite having conventional elements, happens "somewhere else", in a different environment from the everyday, which gives for a different reading from the one we would have had. with more routine names.
Another impression that your text leaves me, however, is that it is a story that could and even should continue. We basically have three interactions in the story as it is: the daughter talks successively with the father, with the mother, and with her boyfriend
(she barely says a few words to the housekeeper). Furthermore, Aimi and Aali end their dialogue with a promise to love each other that is not really put to the test nor does it allow us to infer anything about what could happen next, since Aimi finds herself in conflict with her father. Precisely those elements create a certain expectation, a certain desire to know "what happens next", which is not satisfied. It would be interesting if history told us something more about that future to which it points but not to which it does not reach.
Also, I think it would be useful for you to review how you have placed the dialogues. Technically, it is valid to put a long interchange in a single paragraph, as you have done, but this produces the problem that it is sometimes difficult to differentiate who says what.
In case you don't know them, here are links to three stories that deal with relationships and love difficulties. Perhaps they can serve as examples when reviewing your text.
2 comentarios
displayname4768942
Wow, what a beautiful story
displayname1597321
Profesor PlusHello Gabriela. Thank you very much for entering the course and congratulations on completing it. I hope that what we saw has served you and continues to serve you.
I just read "The Same Day" and I'm going to leave you some comments. As I always say in these cases, even if some of the comments are not positive or do not focus on what interests you most in your own text, please do not take them the wrong way. Consider that they are made with the intention of helping you continue to improve your work, and that in any case they are optional. You decide what you find useful, and what not, how much is recommended to you.
In case you don't know them, here are links to three stories that deal with relationships and love difficulties. Perhaps they can serve as examples when reviewing your text.
[*]"The friends of the friends" of Henry James
[*]"Divina locura" by Roger Zelazny
[*]"Yo, Claudio" by Alejandra Costamagna
Once again I thank you and wish you luck and success in your future endeavors.
@gabrieladayanatm
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