Hi Sebastian!
Applause for your story, I had a great time reading it. Congratulations and thank you very much for reaching the final project.
Now, if you'll let me, I'll break down some parts.
Your use of scripts in general is perfect, you only missed one, very early:
-Ouch! – Kono says, holding his head. What a hard trunk - he thinks. As it is, it seems that the "think" is said by the character. I think there is a comma to understand what you want: What a hard trunk, think.
There is something that I think you can specify in the initial description that would help to visualize the first part, but I recognize that you may have to do a survey among your readers to see if several of them have the same thing as me: I thought it was daytime. There is something with the mention of the market that gives me the impression that it is sunny, and when you talk about the darkness of the alley I got very confused.
In most of your story only two characters speak, that makes it very easy for us to follow the sequence of who is speaking, so you can remove some of the marks that indicate which character spoke. In addition, the voices are very well differentiated, that also helps. I'm mostly referring to the "so-and-so asked" immediately after the question, the question marks are already quite eloquent about it. In a future review, question all these details when they are not accompanied by extra information. The whisper, for example, is very important and has to stay, but because it provides new information.
I could really hear your characters, you designed Kono's voice very well. I would only put a very small but in the use of "like" in this sentence: There is another type of balance, like higher, beyond... haven't you felt it? That "like" that comes from English takes away a lot of assertiveness from what is said. I had an acting teacher who prohibited us from that expression because of assertiveness, so thanks to her I notice it all the time in the texts. And in this case it is true that Kono would have no reason to doubt about the "highest", I think it is a filler that is unnecessary.
*By the way, "like" can be your friend when you want a character to systematically hesitate.*
And well, since I mentioned the construction of the voices, I think that with Serana you loosened up a bit, she says phrases that anyone could say. Ijnana did have a rhythm and intentions of her own, and it was obvious that she knew Kono from before. The girlfriend doesn't have that, I think they have to reformulate their dialogues so that we can see a little bit of the relationship.
I really liked that your story allowed you to have space to formulate ideas. I don't know if they are 100% you or half and half with the character, but what a joy to see the characters formulate ideas that have to do with what happens to them.
Finally, you took things from the theater format and others from the narrative. My very personal opinion (you can also do a survey on this) is that it would be better for him to be decidedly a quantum. So, instead of "Scene 1" you could say "Part One" or just the number, and you could also dwell a little more on the descriptions, which are perhaps currently in a more pragmatic tone, like in the stage directions of the theater. You already have the dialogues, they are very good, they lead the story very successfully, but the descriptions could give incredible finishes to the story you have. Think about it.
I wish you good luck, I hope this text is read by multitudes. Thanks for all the work, I hope you had fun and that you enjoy everything you have to write.
@jimenaemeuve Thank you very much for your comment Jimena. I think your observations are quite accurate and I will take them into account for a revised version of the story. I thank you very much for the course. I love the techniques you teach, they really made it easy for me to build satisfying dialogues, which I don't often do. I will continue exploring with everything I learned.
+4 Kommentare
displayname3466221
Lehrkraft PlusHi Sebastian!
Applause for your story, I had a great time reading it. Congratulations and thank you very much for reaching the final project.
Now, if you'll let me, I'll break down some parts.
Your use of scripts in general is perfect, you only missed one, very early:
-Ouch! – Kono says, holding his head. What a hard trunk - he thinks.
As it is, it seems that the "think" is said by the character. I think there is a comma to understand what you want: What a hard trunk, think.
There is something that I think you can specify in the initial description that would help to visualize the first part, but I recognize that you may have to do a survey among your readers to see if several of them have the same thing as me: I thought it was daytime. There is something with the mention of the market that gives me the impression that it is sunny, and when you talk about the darkness of the alley I got very confused.
In most of your story only two characters speak, that makes it very easy for us to follow the sequence of who is speaking, so you can remove some of the marks that indicate which character spoke. In addition, the voices are very well differentiated, that also helps. I'm mostly referring to the "so-and-so asked" immediately after the question, the question marks are already quite eloquent about it. In a future review, question all these details when they are not accompanied by extra information. The whisper, for example, is very important and has to stay, but because it provides new information.
I could really hear your characters, you designed Kono's voice very well. I would only put a very small but in the use of "like" in this sentence: There is another type of balance, like higher, beyond... haven't you felt it? That "like" that comes from English takes away a lot of assertiveness from what is said. I had an acting teacher who prohibited us from that expression because of assertiveness, so thanks to her I notice it all the time in the texts. And in this case it is true that Kono would have no reason to doubt about the "highest", I think it is a filler that is unnecessary.
*By the way, "like" can be your friend when you want a character to systematically hesitate.*
And well, since I mentioned the construction of the voices, I think that with Serana you loosened up a bit, she says phrases that anyone could say. Ijnana did have a rhythm and intentions of her own, and it was obvious that she knew Kono from before. The girlfriend doesn't have that, I think they have to reformulate their dialogues so that we can see a little bit of the relationship.
I really liked that your story allowed you to have space to formulate ideas. I don't know if they are 100% you or half and half with the character, but what a joy to see the characters formulate ideas that have to do with what happens to them.
Finally, you took things from the theater format and others from the narrative. My very personal opinion (you can also do a survey on this) is that it would be better for him to be decidedly a quantum. So, instead of "Scene 1" you could say "Part One" or just the number, and you could also dwell a little more on the descriptions, which are perhaps currently in a more pragmatic tone, like in the stage directions of the theater. You already have the dialogues, they are very good, they lead the story very successfully, but the descriptions could give incredible finishes to the story you have. Think about it.
I wish you good luck, I hope this text is read by multitudes. Thanks for all the work, I hope you had fun and that you enjoy everything you have to write.
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displayname1897296
Plus@jimenaemeuve Thank you very much for your comment Jimena. I think your observations are quite accurate and I will take them into account for a revised version of the story. I thank you very much for the course. I love the techniques you teach, they really made it easy for me to build satisfying dialogues, which I don't often do. I will continue exploring with everything I learned.
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displayname10602468
I love the work!
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displayname1897296
Plus@sidbednarczyk Thank you! I am glad!
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