Dear Jimena: Thank you for this enriching experience. I learned a lot, everything I learned has been very useful to me. It took me a while to finish because I had little trouble trying to choose the story. My personal stories are very long or lack dialogue. I ended up opening the newspaper determined to choose the first piece of news that I found as a forced foot for my project. My eyes crashed at the news of a legal dispute between neighbors because of a barking dog... voila! It took me a while, my children gave me their opinion, changes, weeks letting it season, etc, etc.
I took some "narrative risks" but I think that's the idea, right? So I will learn more with your comments and analysis. A big hug from Puerto Rico.
Hi Yvonne.
I am glad to read that you took your time, both to find the story and to execute and correct it. I think that in this news about the dog you could see very well that "something" that is felt when a story has to be told in a certain format. And it is very good to wait for it to appear, in this case it was a success, Sandra had an overwhelming present that made her talk and, above all, have a change. Getting more and more stressed is enough of a change to sustain a story.
I think you might consider putting some sort of division on your scenes . Or chapters, however you want to tell them. My suggestion is because there are time jumps between one and the other, and having some mark that divides them could help us make the cut during the reading. Not having that mark, at least it took me a while to distinguish the change. For example: first I thought that Manuel had dreamed because he fell asleep watching the game. In that scene change and in the last 3, it would help a lot to have a mark that indicates the temporal ellipsis. You can use one line or one header for each segment.
Regarding the voices of the characters, of course Sandra was the one with the most development. I distinguished certain repetitions in his speech, a kind of back and forth. Very well that. Also the moment of the chat is well achieved.
This image of the barks breaking off bits, first of Sandra's skull and then of the walls, wonderful.
With the neighbor I have the impression that it would not be bad to know her name beforehand. I notice that in general you kept the names to yourself and it seems appropriate to me, but in the case of Alba, since the ending depends on her and on being named, I think it is worth mentioning her before. I even found where it could be, so as not to arrive at this note empty-handed. Look, in this parliament:
"How is it possible that stupid old woman leaves her dog abandoned for so long?" she thought annoyed. —This is my favorite son, my baby, my life ─she imitates the neighbor with a shrill voice—, old liar .
Sandra calls her "old" twice. I think the "stupid old lady" could be replaced by "that stupid Alba" or something like that.
And, a bit on the same subject, is the character of the man in his fifties who arrives the administrator? I'm pretty sure it is, and I think you could clear that up. It gives a lot of peace to see a character appear that they already mentioned to us.
Well, and since I mentioned the man in his fifties, I also wanted to add that it is hardly believable that, if this has happened to Alba three times in the last month, Sandra has not mentioned it before. You can make him not know, sure, but the man says it as if the whole building knows, and then you wonder: why didn't Sandra consider it?
Finally, I personally liked your second version of the ending better. The first one confused me, but to a level where I gave up because I felt like I hadn't understood anything. And I understand that you want to leave an open ending, but I think there are levels in the confusion that is created for the reader, and reaching the point of making him think that he did not understand anything is dangerous and can even seem tricky.
As you will see, the observations I make to you have to do with the distribution of information. In the general outline of the story and the narration-dialogue combination, I think you did a great job. It shows very careful and you handled different formats for dialogue (and thoughts), that's great, they coexist very well and make the page layout of your story very interesting.
I thank you for having followed the course so seriously, I am very excited to have helped you devise other ways of writing. I wish you the best of luck and that you continue to enjoy putting together little letters.
@jimenaemeuve
Hello: Thank you a thousand for your analysis and advice. I wasn't very convinced of that ending either, although there are several elements that I would like to keep in a 4th version. I will reread the story with your observations in mind and make adjustments. Not to publish it, rather as a practice. Thank you very much for such an excellent course, I have learned a lot. You have changed in me, in a radical way, the value and infinite possibilities of the use of dialogues in the narrative. Much success to you.
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PlusDear Jimena: Thank you for this enriching experience. I learned a lot, everything I learned has been very useful to me. It took me a while to finish because I had little trouble trying to choose the story. My personal stories are very long or lack dialogue. I ended up opening the newspaper determined to choose the first piece of news that I found as a forced foot for my project. My eyes crashed at the news of a legal dispute between neighbors because of a barking dog... voila! It took me a while, my children gave me their opinion, changes, weeks letting it season, etc, etc.
I took some "narrative risks" but I think that's the idea, right? So I will learn more with your comments and analysis. A big hug from Puerto Rico.
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Origineel verbergen
displayname3466221
Docent PlusHi Yvonne.
I am glad to read that you took your time, both to find the story and to execute and correct it. I think that in this news about the dog you could see very well that "something" that is felt when a story has to be told in a certain format. And it is very good to wait for it to appear, in this case it was a success, Sandra had an overwhelming present that made her talk and, above all, have a change. Getting more and more stressed is enough of a change to sustain a story.
I think you might consider putting some sort of division on your scenes . Or chapters, however you want to tell them. My suggestion is because there are time jumps between one and the other, and having some mark that divides them could help us make the cut during the reading. Not having that mark, at least it took me a while to distinguish the change. For example: first I thought that Manuel had dreamed because he fell asleep watching the game. In that scene change and in the last 3, it would help a lot to have a mark that indicates the temporal ellipsis. You can use one line or one header for each segment.
Regarding the voices of the characters, of course Sandra was the one with the most development. I distinguished certain repetitions in his speech, a kind of back and forth. Very well that. Also the moment of the chat is well achieved.
This image of the barks breaking off bits, first of Sandra's skull and then of the walls, wonderful.
With the neighbor I have the impression that it would not be bad to know her name beforehand. I notice that in general you kept the names to yourself and it seems appropriate to me, but in the case of Alba, since the ending depends on her and on being named, I think it is worth mentioning her before. I even found where it could be, so as not to arrive at this note empty-handed. Look, in this parliament:
"How is it possible that stupid old woman leaves her dog abandoned for so long?" she thought annoyed. —This is my favorite son, my baby, my life ─she imitates the neighbor with a shrill voice—, old liar .
Sandra calls her "old" twice. I think the "stupid old lady" could be replaced by "that stupid Alba" or something like that.
And, a bit on the same subject, is the character of the man in his fifties who arrives the administrator? I'm pretty sure it is, and I think you could clear that up. It gives a lot of peace to see a character appear that they already mentioned to us.
Well, and since I mentioned the man in his fifties, I also wanted to add that it is hardly believable that, if this has happened to Alba three times in the last month, Sandra has not mentioned it before. You can make him not know, sure, but the man says it as if the whole building knows, and then you wonder: why didn't Sandra consider it?
Finally, I personally liked your second version of the ending better. The first one confused me, but to a level where I gave up because I felt like I hadn't understood anything. And I understand that you want to leave an open ending, but I think there are levels in the confusion that is created for the reader, and reaching the point of making him think that he did not understand anything is dangerous and can even seem tricky.
As you will see, the observations I make to you have to do with the distribution of information. In the general outline of the story and the narration-dialogue combination, I think you did a great job. It shows very careful and you handled different formats for dialogue (and thoughts), that's great, they coexist very well and make the page layout of your story very interesting.
I thank you for having followed the course so seriously, I am very excited to have helped you devise other ways of writing. I wish you the best of luck and that you continue to enjoy putting together little letters.
Origineel weergeven
Origineel verbergen
displayname1506496
Plus@jimenaemeuve
Hello: Thank you a thousand for your analysis and advice. I wasn't very convinced of that ending either, although there are several elements that I would like to keep in a 4th version. I will reread the story with your observations in mind and make adjustments. Not to publish it, rather as a practice. Thank you very much for such an excellent course, I have learned a lot. You have changed in me, in a radical way, the value and infinite possibilities of the use of dialogues in the narrative. Much success to you.
Origineel weergeven
Origineel verbergen
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