Hi Nathalie. Thank you very much for entering the course and congratulations on completing it. I hope that what we saw has served you and continues to serve you.
I just read "Florida" and I'm going to leave you some comments. As I always say in these cases, even if some of the comments are not positive or do not focus on what interests you most in your own text, please do not take them the wrong way. Consider that they are made with the intention of helping you continue to improve your work, and that in any case they are optional. You decide what you find useful, and what not, how much is recommended.
What I like the most about your text is the intention of building a fantastic world endowed with a vast historical time, which can be seen in the legends and the knowledge shared or accepted by its characters. This can give
(as you undoubtedly know, because it shows that you know other stories of this type) for very complex and dense narrated worlds, in which many wonders can happen and in any case give an impression of consistency and credibility.
That said, I think you need to thoroughly review not only the story you are telling, but the very construction of your narrated world. I find many phrases, episodes and characters that sound like "fantasy" texts to me, but I miss a
among those different parts. The names of the characters, for example, suggest their fonts ("Arturn" recalls Arthur, the famous legendary king) but these fonts do not seem the same in all cases, that is, there is no impression of a language or group of languages underlying the culture in which they live. This is something that took JRR Tolkien, the forerunner of this genre in the last century, a lifetime to do, but it is not necessary to do all the work that he did: it is enough to look for similarities between the sound of the words. Someone who does it very well is Ursula K. LeGuin in her Earthsea series.
Another very important aspect to consider according to what I said above is the structure of the story: as the characters blur a bit, it is difficult to follow them throughout the story, and it does not help that the part with a more clearly structured structure recognizable
(precisely the adventures of Arturn, which are read as an example of the traditional scheme of the adventure or demand of a prince, with its various stages) hangs a bit in the air, without a resolution that significantly affect the rest of the events. It also seems that much of the argument was invented from the first intention, without there being a revision later to give it more unity. This is very important.
Finally, something else that needs to be done is to give a good review of the writing and the punctuation of the text, to help in the task of making it clearer and more internally coherent.
I am going to recommend you, in case you still do not know them, three stories with ancient roots that do not come from the English and Scandinavian traditions that were influenced by Tolkien and, therefore, from the most common indirect sources of texts like yours: they are a story of the Inuit people , another from West Africa and another from ancient Russia . Notice how even in Russian (whose structure is the least careful of the three) there is congruence between the various characters and events and it is easy to follow causes, consequences and motivations.
Once again I thank you and wish you luck and success in your future endeavors.
@albertochimal Dear teacher, you have changed my life with your advice. Many thanks. I have taken everything into consideration and I hope to improve every day to become one day close to brilliant like you. Many blessings.
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Lehrkraft PlusHi Nathalie. Thank you very much for entering the course and congratulations on completing it. I hope that what we saw has served you and continues to serve you.
I just read "Florida" and I'm going to leave you some comments. As I always say in these cases, even if some of the comments are not positive or do not focus on what interests you most in your own text, please do not take them the wrong way. Consider that they are made with the intention of helping you continue to improve your work, and that in any case they are optional. You decide what you find useful, and what not, how much is recommended.
among those different parts. The names of the characters, for example, suggest their fonts ("Arturn" recalls Arthur, the famous legendary king) but these fonts do not seem the same in all cases, that is, there is no impression of a language or group of languages underlying the culture in which they live. This is something that took JRR Tolkien, the forerunner of this genre in the last century, a lifetime to do, but it is not necessary to do all the work that he did: it is enough to look for similarities between the sound of the words. Someone who does it very well is Ursula K. LeGuin in her Earthsea series.
I am going to recommend you, in case you still do not know them, three stories with ancient roots that do not come from the English and Scandinavian traditions that were influenced by Tolkien and, therefore, from the most common indirect sources of texts like yours: they are a story of the Inuit people , another from West Africa and another from ancient Russia . Notice how even in Russian (whose structure is the least careful of the three) there is congruence between the various characters and events and it is easy to follow causes, consequences and motivations.
Once again I thank you and wish you luck and success in your future endeavors.
@nathaliemarinoascencio
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@albertochimal Dear teacher, you have changed my life with your advice. Many thanks. I have taken everything into consideration and I hope to improve every day to become one day close to brilliant like you. Many blessings.
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